It has been a while since I have blogged, and again, it has been for good reason. I have been phenomenally busy and it is only that I have found myself with a few unforeseen spare hours that I am writing this. I have been laying in bed for the last hour thinking about vulnerability. Especially how over the last couple of years it has not been the physical vulnerability of my body that has nearly failed me but the mental and emotional vulnerability I allowed myself to fall victim to. Physically, my body has nearly been destroyed by its own vulnerability to cancer, chemo, being immunosuppressed, infections, radiationtherapy and stress and GVHD, to name but a few. But I never once thought I would not be strong enough to get through all that. Yes, it has broken me physically in other ways, but these feel like mere cracks under the surface now. I always had my faith in my religion - science - and that is what got me through the storm. It was when the dust settled though, and I finally realised that I was never going to return to my 'normal' life that I seemed to start falling apart. I had allowed myself to hope for a future, to dream of what I believed was an 'ideal', and to stop being my true self in order to please other people. All because I believed that trying to make other people happy would make me happy. If my 16 year old self had seen what I'd become, she would have given me a slap round the face. What had happened to my fiesty, fearless, independent self who had built her defences up to the heavens to protect herself from emotional pain? I liked that girl a little bit, I may not have been liked much, but I wasn't vulnerable, or I didn't think I was. I mistrusted everyone because of it, but looking back, I wasn't particularly happy though. It took a very long time for me to let anyone try and break down my defences. And just as Rome wasn't built in a day, the barriers I had built around myself had taken a long time to be put in place, so I was only going to let them down brick-by-brick. And eventually I found myself emotionally vulnerable to everything, yet felt protected by someone with whom I had entrusted my soul - my hopes and dreams, past and future, fears, flaws and failures. And I was happy, truly happy. I found a nice quote to sum this up:
"I have so much respect for the emotionally brave. The ones who put in the emotional work and take the real risks of being vulnerable and removing masks. It's easy to make chitchat, but it's hard to speak about what's really under the surface. It's easy to joke, but difficult to cry. It's easy to numb, but hard to feel. Ironically the real victims of emotional laziness are the people themselves. They end up choosing thier emotional comfort zones over happiness. So in the end, they may not be 'uncomfortable' anymore; but they are also miserable." - Yasmin Mogahed
Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Every day is a school day, and you learn from every experience. That is how we evolve. I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I got hurt, and I have been breaking my back rebuilding my emotional defences. I haven't allowed myself to build them back up to the heavens again though (not yet anyway), and I certainly don't trust anyone at the moment. But I know that at some point in the future I hopefully will again. Otherwise, I know that I will spend many years miserable, and waste this perfectly good life that I have been blessed with. (I can fully understand why 'crazy cat women' exist now though.) So, hopefully without sounding like I'm preaching, my advice, should you find yourself in a similar situation, is to surround yourself with a great support team. I know I have my own, and I try my best to make sure they know how appreciated they are, as I know that should I fall off my barricade they will be there to catch me. It is because of my experiences that I feel so strongly about the need for cancer patients to automatically receive counselling, since although you may not feel you need it at the time, it is there to return to for guidance should you require it. What with the whirlwind of treatment, hospital appointments, and just trying to stay alive, it is very easy to ignore your mental health. It is not intentional, it is part of the process of dealing with a great shock. But regaining not only your physical strength but also your mental health is absolutely essential and helps you to accept and adapt to your 'new normal'.
Which leads me on to my new main aim in life: to be 'authentic'. I found another nice quote for this:
"What it means to be authentic:
- to be more concerned with truth than opinions
- to be sincere and not pretend
- to be free from hypocrisy: "walk your talk"
- to know who you are and to be that person
- to not fear others seeing your vulnerabilities
- being confident to walk away from situations where you can't be yourself
- being awake to your own feelings
- being free from others' opinions of you
- accepting and loving yourself." - Sue Fitzmaurice
You'll be glad to read that that is my philosophical meditation over. To elaborate on how busy I've been, the last few months have been very hectic but not with any infections that have resulted in hospital stays for a change! I've been lucky enough to see Harry Potter & the Cursed Child, which is THE best play I have ever seen. The staging and performances were absolutely magical and I highly recommend going to see it if you can get hold of some tickets. I've also been to the Lake District with my amazing Auntie Boo. We had a fantastic time, staying a few nights at a lovely spa hotel, seeing lots of Beatrix Potter related places, and then on to see my extended family in Penrith. It was really relaxing, and so nice to see the Curry and Bodger families on a much happier note this time. I also never realised how incredible Beatrix Potter was - she really was a woman far ahead of her time in terms of her thoughts on feminism and looking after the environment.
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| Harry Potter and the Cursed Child |
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| Me and Auntie Boo at the hotel bar |
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| My lovely extended family |
As ever, I have also been filling my social calendar with dinners and trips to the cinema, etc. with all of my favourite people. Recent mile stones also include:
- my first two hair cuts since losing it all;
- being able to drive again;
- recovering from my first cold all by myself;
- my dermatology consultant confirming that my ECP treatment is working (so I'm continuing that still every two weeks until November at least);
- my research project first draft being completed and a deadline confirmed;
- my uni accommodation application being accepted for next year;
- Rosie's first proper clip;
- my 1st rebirthday!
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| Rosie after her first clip |
The family also had a really nice week in Wales, despite mum being miserable because it rained for the first couple of days. We went on some lovely walks with Flo around the reservoir and nature reserves that were nearby. Dad and Lot went on a pony trek around the Brecons, which was apparently fantastic, although Dad became 'unseated' (he fell off) and crushed his finger - he's still in pain... - though that didn't stop him going fishing later in the week. Lot and I also went on a slightly chilly boat trip in an attempt to see dolphins, needless to say, we didn't see any. On the same day we had a minor problem with my car, but a lovely man at a local garage sorted it out for us for free! I may be biased, since Welsh blood runs through my veins now, but I found all the Welsh people we met very friendly and helpful. Things are so much cheaper there too! Lot and I also took Flo with us to a nearby tin works and waterfall, which, despite the rain, was very impressive and beautiful. Naturally, we also filled the holiday with good local food, and I was able to catch up with Amy on the drive back to my grandparents! The family also had a lovely weeked celebrating my mum's birthday. However, I'm starting to wonder if my donor has an allergy to something in Thai food... It is possible to 'inherit' allergies from your donor, and so far I have definitely developed hay fever at least!
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| Me, mum, Lot and Flo in Wales - Dad went fishing! |
Finally, I just want to say how incredibly proud of my sister I am, as she has passed her Veterinary Nursing qualification, so she is now an official Registered Veterinary Nurse. Considering how much work she has had to put in whilst also working at a practice, and having a very demanding sister over the last couple of years, she has done amazingly well, and has certainly earned her badge and green uniform!
I have a very
exciting couple of months coming up, so I look forward to updating you
all soon. Now that I am driving again, I am also looking forward to
being able to descend upon all my lovely friends who are scattered
around the country now!
Thank you for reading, and much love to you all xxx
