Don’t go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.

It has been a while since I have blogged, and again, it has been for good reason. I have been phenomenally busy and it is only that I have found myself with a few unforeseen spare hours that I am writing this. I have been laying in bed for the last hour thinking about vulnerability. Especially how over the last couple of years it has not been the physical vulnerability of my body that has nearly failed me but the mental and emotional vulnerability I allowed myself to fall victim to. Physically, my body has nearly been destroyed by its own vulnerability to cancer, chemo, being immunosuppressed, infections, radiationtherapy and stress and GVHD, to name but a few. But I never once thought I would not be strong enough to get through all that. Yes, it has broken me physically in other ways, but these feel like mere cracks under the surface now. I always had my faith in my religion - science - and that is what got me through the storm. It was when the dust settled though, and I finally realised that I was never going to return to my 'normal' life that I seemed to start falling apart. I had allowed myself to hope for a future, to dream of what I believed was an 'ideal', and to stop being my true self in order to please other people. All because I believed that trying to make other people happy would make me happy. If my 16 year old self had seen what I'd become, she would have given me a slap round the face. What had happened to my fiesty, fearless, independent self who had built her defences up to the heavens to protect herself from emotional pain? I liked that girl a little bit, I may not have been liked much, but I wasn't vulnerable, or I didn't think I was. I mistrusted everyone because of it, but looking back, I wasn't particularly happy though. It took a very long time for me to let anyone try and break down my defences. And just as Rome wasn't built in a day, the barriers I had built around myself had taken a long time to be put in place, so I was only going to let them down brick-by-brick. And eventually I found myself emotionally vulnerable to everything, yet felt protected by someone with whom I had entrusted my soul - my hopes and dreams, past and future, fears, flaws and failures. And I was happy, truly happy. I found a nice quote to sum this up:

"I have so much respect for the emotionally brave. The ones who put in the emotional work and take the real risks of being vulnerable and removing masks. It's easy to make chitchat, but it's hard to speak about what's really under the surface. It's easy to joke, but difficult to cry. It's easy to numb, but hard to feel. Ironically the real victims of emotional laziness are the people themselves. They end up choosing thier emotional comfort zones over happiness. So in the end, they may not be 'uncomfortable' anymore; but they are also miserable." - Yasmin Mogahed

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Every day is a school day, and you learn from every experience. That is how we evolve. I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I got hurt, and I have been breaking my back rebuilding my emotional defences. I haven't allowed myself to build them back up to the heavens again though (not yet anyway), and I certainly don't trust anyone at the moment. But I know that at some point in the future I hopefully will again. Otherwise, I know that I will spend many years miserable, and waste this perfectly good life that I have been blessed with. (I can fully understand why 'crazy cat women' exist now though.) So, hopefully without sounding like I'm preaching, my advice, should you find yourself in a similar situation, is to surround yourself with a great support team. I know I have my own, and I try my best to make sure they know how appreciated they are, as I know that should I fall off my barricade they will be there to catch me. It is because of my experiences that I feel so strongly about the need for cancer patients to automatically receive counselling, since although you may not feel you need it at the time, it is there to return to for guidance should you require it. What with the whirlwind of treatment, hospital appointments, and just trying to stay alive, it is very easy to ignore your mental health. It is not intentional, it is part of the process of dealing with a great shock. But regaining not only your physical strength but also your mental health is absolutely essential and helps you to accept and adapt to your 'new normal'.

Which leads me on to my new main aim in life: to be 'authentic'. I found another nice quote for this:

"What it means to be authentic:

- to be more concerned with truth than opinions

- to be sincere and not pretend

- to be free from hypocrisy: "walk your talk"

- to know who you are and to be that person

- to not fear others seeing your vulnerabilities

- being confident to walk away from situations where you can't be yourself

- being awake to your own feelings

- being free from others' opinions of you

- accepting and loving yourself." - Sue Fitzmaurice

You'll be glad to read that that is my philosophical meditation over. To elaborate on how busy I've been, the last few months have been very hectic but not with any infections that have resulted in hospital stays for a change! I've been lucky enough to see Harry Potter & the Cursed Child, which is THE best play I have ever seen. The staging and performances were absolutely magical and I highly recommend going to see it if you can get hold of some tickets. I've also been to the Lake District with my amazing Auntie Boo. We had a fantastic time, staying a few nights at a lovely spa hotel, seeing lots of Beatrix Potter related places, and then on to see my extended family in Penrith. It was really relaxing, and so nice to see the Curry and Bodger families on a much happier note this time. I also never realised how incredible Beatrix Potter was - she really was a woman far ahead of her time in terms of her thoughts on feminism and looking after the environment.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

Me and Auntie Boo at the hotel bar

My lovely extended family

As ever, I have also been filling my social calendar with dinners and trips to the cinema, etc. with all of my favourite people. Recent mile stones also include:

- my first two hair cuts since losing it all;

- being able to drive again;

- recovering from my first cold all by myself;

- my dermatology consultant confirming that my ECP treatment is working (so I'm continuing that still every two weeks until November at least);

- my research project first draft being completed and a deadline confirmed;

- my uni accommodation application being accepted for next year;

- Rosie's first proper clip;

- my 1st rebirthday!

Rosie after her first clip

The family also had a really nice week in Wales, despite mum being miserable because it rained for the first couple of days. We went on some lovely walks with Flo around the reservoir and nature reserves that were nearby. Dad and Lot went on a pony trek around the Brecons, which was apparently fantastic, although Dad became 'unseated' (he fell off) and crushed his finger - he's still in pain... - though that didn't stop him going fishing later in the week. Lot and I also went on a slightly chilly boat trip in an attempt to see dolphins, needless to say, we didn't see any. On the same day we had a minor problem with my car, but a lovely man at a local garage sorted it out for us for free! I may be biased, since Welsh blood runs through my veins now, but I found all the Welsh people we met very friendly and helpful. Things are so much cheaper there too! Lot and I also took Flo with us to a nearby tin works and waterfall, which, despite the rain, was very impressive and beautiful. Naturally, we also filled the holiday with good local food, and I was able to catch up with Amy on the drive back to my grandparents! The family also had a lovely weeked celebrating my mum's birthday. However, I'm starting to wonder if my donor has an allergy to something in Thai food... It is possible to 'inherit' allergies from your donor, and so far I have definitely developed hay fever at least!

Me, mum, Lot and Flo in Wales - Dad went fishing!

Finally, I just want to say how incredibly proud of my sister I am, as she has passed her Veterinary Nursing qualification, so she is now an official Registered Veterinary Nurse. Considering how much work she has had to put in whilst also working at a practice, and having a very demanding sister over the last couple of years, she has done amazingly well, and has certainly earned her badge and green uniform!

I have a very exciting couple of months coming up, so I look forward to updating you all soon. Now that I am driving again, I am also looking forward to being able to descend upon all my lovely friends who are scattered around the country now!

Thank you for reading, and much love to you all xxx

It Isn't The Mountains Ahead To Climb That Wear You Out; It's The Pebble In Your Shoe.

I don't know if many people have noticed, but all of my blog titles mean something to me. Initially, I began using tag lines from films that I felt related to what was happening to me at the time, and now I've moved on to quotes. This one is from the great Muhammad Ali, which I feel encompasses the struggles everyone has in life, especially through the last month maybe, what with all the politics (which I am not going to mention any further). Everyone has their problems and issues that they are tackling and many are brilliant at hiding them, especially to protect loved ones, and try and keep those issues in a 'box'. But at times things just can't help but get on top of you. And you can't help but let those feelings take hold. They stick at the forefront of your mind and distract you from everything that isn't routine in your life. It's difficult. They overwhelm you and cause you to lose motivation. This is how I've felt  a lot lately. My main motivation over the last few years has disappeared and now I'm struggling to find a new one. Obviously, getting back to uni is my main motivation but a massive hole has been left in my life, and I'm still trying to adjust. I know what I need to recover physically and mentally, but emotionally I'm still a bit of a wreck. Slowly I'm piecing the bits back together but I think chemo brain is affecting my ability to do that too. As a result of all this I enjoy looking through motivational quotes and rely on social media support that suggest some brilliant bloggers, which are a fantastic read. It's reassuring to know that there are other people out there who know what you're going through, and it gives you strength. I think one of the biggest problems everyone has is finding that strength. It comes from friends and family, and sometimes strangers. And they may never realise it. But also these same people can just as easily break down the strength you have spent so much time building up. And, again, they may never realise it, or mean to. This yo-yo-ing is quite simply exhausting, but you must keep focusing on that mountain ahead.

On a different note, I simply don't know where the time is going. This month has flown by yet again in a flurry of hospital appointments and puppy-sitting. We have a new addition to the family, which many of you already know. Meet Rosie, our seriously cute Mini Schnauzer puppy.

Rosie Selfie

She's adorable and very well behaved - when she wants to be! Like any puppy! She appears to be enjoying puppy training classes and loves to play with the other dogs. Flo's getting on well with her too - thank goodness!

Unfortunately, I was in hospital again (thanks to an infected Hickman) when Rosie got picked up, but after a week of IV antibiotics I was out. In between ECP treatments at Guy's, I seemed to enjoy stints in Maidstone hospital. The following visit, I was in a few days with viral gastroenteritis, and the last time I spiked a temperature, and spent another week in a side room. They didn't find the source of the temperature spike but I am now helpfully allergic to Penicillin too. Yay - another one to add to the list. More pebbles in my shoes... I missed spending time with my Auntie Boo too, but she was lovely and came to visit me instead.

This last week I've had another intrathecal chemo injection, which so far hasn't caused any problems. (Keeping my fingers crossed!) My hair is also growing back with avengence - it can't decide if it's going to be curly, wavy or straight, so I am currently attacking it with a new hair product I have found - a souffle! The dry scalp problem has also improved since using Eucerin shampoo and scalp treatment, which I highly recommend. My nails are also driving me mad - splitting and breaking just by looking at them! I'm trying the NuNail strengthening cream, which so far appears to be helping - I'll keep you updated. 

On a much more happy note though I stayed over at Lottie's new pad and we had a lovely meal out with Kate, Hannah and Lauren at the new Italian in Ashford. It was brilliant to get out and feel the most normal I have in ages! I definitely ate far too much too... Long may it continue though, as I have a week in the Lake District with Boo to look forward to! And, the new Harry Potter play! Can't wait! Fingers crossed for no more pebbles!

In the mean time, I hope you all thoroughly enjoy the short sunny spells we appear to be having and manage to avoid the downpours. And, remember to keep your eyes on the mountain ahead.

Much love to you all xxx 

It Is More Fun To Talk With Someone Who Doesn't Use Long, Difficult Words But Rather Short, Easy Words Like "What About Lunch?"

Good evening all you lovely people. Firstly, I wanted to thank you all for sticking with my blog and keeping up with my story. A lot appears to have happened over the last couple of months, and I would have written this before but things just seemed to keep coming up, as you will see.

At the beginning of April, Lot, Mum and I had a lovely visit to my Grandparents. Dad was feeling unwell so he had a well-deserved, quiet weekend at home with his new project - a homemade, pretty awesome, record player. We had a lovely weekend with my Grandparents, Boo, and Sara, Will and my cousins, Chad, Thea and Etta. I also went for a brilliant lunch in London with Katie and Celina, two amazing girls who I met during the first week that I was diagnosed. We had a massive Nandos, which we had been talking about having since last year, and a great catch up! It was so good to hear what they had been up to and the amazing wishes they have had! Katie managed to get to be an extra on the new Bridget Jones movie, for example!

BSAVA Congress was my next challenge to face. Lauren, my fantastic vet friend, who I used to work at the kennels with years ago, was also going and very kindly drove me up to Birmingham, and essentially looked out for me during the Congress. (Thank you so much again!). BSAVA Congress is a four-day event with loads of vet small animal lectures, and because I was lucky enough to get a bursary to go, I was invited to a delicious three-course dinner on the first evening. The Friday was filled with the 'Student Stream', which was lots of lectures aimed at vet students with themes including: career advice, how to deal with emergency cases and CPR. The Saturday and Sunday I got to go to whichever lectures took my fancy and there was an event called 'Vet Fest' on the Saturday evening, which was great. There was live music, various entertainment acts and a silent disco, as well as, plenty of food and drinks! I also got to catch up with a lot of people in my year from uni, which was fantastic. I managed to make it to midnight and shared a pizza with Amy and Meagan (two lovely girls from my year at uni) at the hotel as we naturally had the munchies by then, and fortunately the hotel offered a 24hr pizza service! By Sunday though I was exhausted and was very glad to head home to rest up. It was an absolutely brilliant weekend though and I would highly recommend it. I've also been keeping up with my vet stuff by doing webinars and my research project, which I now am aiming to do in the next couple of months. I've also passed the first module of my business course - just three more to go!

Me hooked up for ECP

I've still been struggling with various GVHD problems though. I was referred to St Helier's Hospital for assessment of my eyes. It turns out I have GVHD of my eyes, which is mainly due to my skin GVHD as it causes scarring of the lacrimal ducts (that produce tears) and as a result I have severely dry eyes, which then affects my cornea and vision. To help I've had silicon plugs put in my tear ducts to prevent the tears I do manage to produce from draining away. So far, this has helped immensely! It's a completely painless procedure that took all of 10 minutes! I may have to have them redone though as they can dissolve or fall out. I have also started my ECP, which I explained in my last blog. This is going really well as well! My skin has improved greatly since I started it so fingers crossed for the next few months! I have to have it every two weeks for six months and then I'll get reassessed to see if I need another six months or not.
 

William Widgery's Grave

Dad and I had a great day visit to France back in April too. It was 100 years since the death of one of our relatives in the First World War, so we took a wreath to place on his grave. We also visited St Omer on the way to stop for lunch! I also had a brilliant day in London with Grace and Alex. We went to the London Dungeons, which was very fun, and had a yummy lunch at Wagamamas.

Unfortunately, due to lab problems at the Royal Marsden, as I explained in my last blog, I had to have yet another bone marrow to test for the MRD. Fortunately though this result came back and it was negative! Which means I am in remission! :) Unfortunately, though not long after receiving this brilliant news I ended up in St Thomas' Hospital being treated by their neurology department. I couldn't walk properly (I was on crutches) as I had numbness from my feet to half way up my chest and weakness as a result. I'd also had a couple of falls. An MRI showed an area of inflammation around my spinal cord at T4 (my fourth rib). After many tests, and numerous neurological exams, the doctors decided the inflammation could be due to either chronic GVHD of the spinal cord or drug-related toxicity. Basically they don't know why this happened but put me on high dose steroids to reduce the inflammation. This, fortunately, started to work straight away but I am still on steroids to help this improve, which it still is slowly. It was a pretty horrible weeklong experience in St Thomas', which wasn't helped by the fact I managed to miss Lottie's 22nd birthday.
 

A few pictures from Port Lympne

Once I was out of St Thomas', I was able to meet up with the lovely Invicta girls for a yummy pub lunch. Lottie and I also were able to go for an amazing weekend at Port Lympne in one of their Treelodge Apartments, courtesy of the Willow Foundation. We got there on the Saturday after a scrummy pub lunch on the way and checked in around 3pm. We had a welcome glass of bubbly and marshmallows to toast on an open fire in their clubhouse. We were then shown how to use the personal golf buggy that we had access to until 11am the next day. We went to the apartment to unpack first and then went on a buggy tour with the other people staying for the weekend. Lottie and I then had a dinner reservation at the restaurant, which was absolutely amazing! We then drove our buggy back to the apartment to watch a bit of Eurovision, but I fell asleep on the sofa and Lot sent me to bed. The following day we had an equally delicious breakfast in the restaurant and headed out early to see the animals before the public were allowed in. It was so quiet we got to see so many animals out and about. After we checked out at 11am and returned our golf buggy, we went on the safari bus tour to see the African animals in a separate part of the park. Once suitably exhausted, we drove home to collapse in a heap. It was a really perfect weekend - a massive thank you to the Willow Foundation for such a brilliant time.

Amy was kind enough to also drive down and visit me for lunch at the Pepperbox Inn, a visit to the Emporium and coffee in Headcorn's tearooms. Thank you again for driving all that way again my dear! It's so good to catch up and hear about vet stuff again, and how well her menagerie of animals is doing in her new house!

Lottie has now moved out to a house in Ashford, with Flo. The house is lovely and cosy and she even took me sofa shopping! I may have not helped with how much she ended up spending but the sofa (sofa bed so I can stay ;) ), chair and footstall are really lovely and very comfortable. Flo approves at least! And the anti-stain treatment I convinced her to pay for has already proved useful!! I don't think she'll be drinking hot chocolate ever again.... :P

Everything was going so well lately too, until last week when I spiked a temperature and ended up in Maidstone A&E with an infected Hickman line (which had decided to helpfully block two weeks previously). After IV antibiotics for a week they finally sent me home on oral antibiotics as I hadn't spiked since the first night, and my CRP (blood infection marker) was going down nicely. There was a point where they thought I had MRSA :| but luckily it turned out I didn't. I just had a very high amount of Staphylococcus aureus in my blood, which the microbiologist wanted me to have two weeks worth of IV antibiotics for. But fortunately I had a very sensible registrar, who realised my veins couldn't take it. After many cannulas and blood tests it now looks like I've been beaten up! Guy's though are going to put in a new Hickman before my next lot of ECP (as I need it for the treatment) on the 9th June. It's quite nice to not have a central line in though for a couple of weeks - freeeedom!

I have lots of plans for the next couple of months but I will bore you all with those in the next blog! Thank you to those dedicated people who got to the end of this epic blog, and I do hope it wasn't too tedious. A lot has happened in the last couple of months and I really don't know where the time has gone! It's been crazy.

I just want to finish on what I feel is the most exciting news though. I have been given a provisional timetable for my return to uni in January. I have started organising my EMS (work experience in vet practices) and got my teeth back into my research project. I can't explain how truly excited and determined I am to get back to uni in January. So, I'm keeping everything crossed that everything continues to go in the right direction! I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone at uni and all my friends and family for all their continued support through this difficult time. I really can't show my appreciation enough.

Much love to you all xxx

The Things That Make Me Different Are The Things That Make Me.

Firstly, I apologise for the long stretch of silence that has occurred since the end of January. I'll be honest and say that quite frankly I've been rather busy with hospital appointments, seeing friends and relatives, and enjoying the time I have available to me to organise events and busy myself with my business course. I also feel like I have spent much of my time since then plastering myself in moisturiser in an attempt to combat the never-ending skin GVHD. More on all that later, however.

I would try and organise this blog into chronological order but since so much has gone on I'll just discuss it as I remember it. Back in February I had some lovely catch ups with Ellie, Sophie and Lucy, with dinner at the Horseshoes pub, where Lucy fell into a brownie food-coma! Alice also arrived home, engaged! So we had a lovely get together at Ellie's with lots of yummy old school party food and pizza. I also got to see Maddie and have a great lunch at the local cafe - very good victoria sponge!

Pancakes!

It was also pancake day, when naturally, we consumed far too many pancakes with strawberries and nutella and whipped cream. Lottie and I also had a great time at the Cirque de Soleil, with a trip to Harrods beforehand and a cup of tea in their tea room, and an awesome Italian meal at the restaurant in the Royal Albert Hall. The show itself was amazing - a great watch, would highly recommend it for a night out with a bit of a difference! Lottie and I also had a lovely day at a Virgin Spa near us, which she had been kindly given as a birthday present. We had lunch at the cafe and then I had a manicure (first ever!). And Lottie had a relaxing massage.

Posh Harrod's Tea

Cirque de Soleil

I also had a lovely trip to Auntie Boo's for the weekend, unfortunately I had just had another bone marrow aspirate so was a bit sore, and even more unfortunately spiked a temperature and ended up in Stoke Mandeville A&E as I was possibly neutropenic. Fortunately I had some IV antibiotics and they let me out the same day as I wasn't neutropenic in the end and could just have oral antibiotics. However, I ended up in Maidstone A&E later that week with another spiked temperature and infection. That didn't stop me & Boo from having a lovely Indian takeaway though, and a yummy Chinese with my grandparents!

Green Juice!

At The Pepperbox

I realise that this blog is turning into a foodie fest and do apologise but that appears to be my main focus at the moment! What with Jamie Oliver, Delicious and Good Food magazines strune about the house, I'm not surprised I don't spend more on food. I'm also Nutribullet-ing lots of green juice as well at the moment in an attempt to improve my neuropathy (according to Dad's research). Mother's Day was lovely, spent at the Pepperbox Inn for Sunday lunch - was fantastic as always!

Dad at the finish

Mum at the finish

So, I think that brings me round to March and the Marsden March! Mum and Dad successfully completed it and have raised an astonishing ~£850. This month I also caught up with Ellie, Lucy, Sophie and Alice for The Lion King musical and an afternoon tea! The afternoon tea was lovely, and the musical was fantastic as always! We were in the stalls so had all the cast coming down the aisles onto the stage. The circle of life was as incredible as I remembered. I also managed to finally catch up with Kate, Hannah and Lauren and little Oscar at the Bakehouse for some brunch! It was yummy as ever and much needed by everyone else who had been on a lovely dog walk beforehand! It was so good to catch up! 

Proper Afternoon Tea

The Lion King

I did promise an update on my treatment though, and I'm sure you don't want boring with my social life news! I'm having to have intrathecal chemotherapy every 3 months for 2 years now, as part of my protocol for treating the leukaemia as stem cell transplants don't affect the CSF (fluid around the brain and spinal cord) so this still has to be treated, as leukaemia cells can harbour there and cause relapse. And we don't want any of that thank you very much! The bone marrow aspirate I had was for the MRD test (specific test result for tiny amounts of leukaemiacells cells) due to it not being done with my last bone marrow before Christmas. The result of this one though also went missing, much to my, my family's and the doctor's severe anoyance. Don't worry - an incident report is being submitted and a stern letter of complaint will be sent. I have, therefore, opted to have another one (they are under sedation I suppose) for the result, as it will put my mind at ease at least. 

With regards to the skin GVHD that I have been suffering from, I have been referred to Guy's Hospital for treatment called ECP. It involves my blood being taken out from me, passed through a machine that separates the white and red blood cells. The white blood cells are treated with a drug that attaches to some of them, they are then passed through UV which destroys the cells with the drug attached so cytokines are released that somehow (no one knows, tiddly pom) then stops the graft from attacking my body. Not all patients benefit but a high percentage do. 

My eyes have also been causing problems (hence the delay in blogging). Because my skin is bad, it affects the ducts and blocks them around my eyelids. This has resulted in really dry and painful eyes, and a lump under my right eyelid. I have had blurry vision and swollen eyelids as a result. An array of drops including, Chloramphenical, steroid and viscous tear drops were prescribed but didn't help, so this resulted in a referral to St Helier's Eye Clinic. Unfortunately, they could only fit me in on 6th April, so I went yesterday anyway as an emergency as I couldn't see properly. I now have better eye drops (steroid and lubricants but preservative-free this time)! These seem to be working much better already but they still want to check up on me next week. The only benefit from having all these hospital appointments is that sometimes Dad and I get stuck with the cross-country route home, which often results in having to stop for dinner - this part isn't so bad as you can see from the pictures below!

Lovely Italian Dinner

Steak Dinner

At St Helier's

The neuropathy is still not great - pain and cramps and tingling are constant.  However, there has been some improvement since my last blog with me off one of my pain killers and being able to start reducing my opioid based pain killers. I haven't reduced my pregabalin yet though. Some days are better than others but I have generally been able to do more recently.

This week I have spent a lovely weekend at the grandparents with Boo, my Auntie Sara, Uncle Will and my brilliant cousins as well. And have a catch up with Katie and Celina (two lovely girls I met in the TCT when I was first diagnosed) to look forward to! :) I also have BSAVA Congress the following weekend - very exciting!!

Thank you all for reading this essay and following my blog! I hope it may help the odd person out there to understand they're not going through post-stem cell drama alone, as well as all those lovely people who just like to keep up with my story.

Much love to you all xxx 

Courage, dear heart.

So, it has been a long time since I have posted a blog, and the main reason for this is that I've been suffering from a peripheral neuropathy. This has prevented me from using my fingers, so I haven't been able to write properly or even type. My feet have also been affected but less so. The pain and constant tingling has been excruciating and I had to be tested by neurologists to confirm that it is as a result of the chemo drugs I have received. This involved electrodes and needles, which measured how well my nerves were working. The pain clinic has also been involved in my treatment, providing me with four different types of analgesia (pain relief) - duloxitine (a drug that is primarily an antidepressant but is also used for diabetic neuropathic pain); pregabalin (which is similar to gabapetin - another pain relief drug specifically for neuropathies); oxycodone (a strong opioid drug for pain relief, both long acting and short acting) and paracetamol. Luckily, I have now managed to reduce the pain relief I am receiving so I am no longer requiring paracetamol and top-ups of short acting oxycodone as often. 

I'm still also on immunosuppressants and the doctors are trying their hardest to reduce this. I'm still on prednisolone and mycophenolate mofetil, this is to continue combating the Graft vs Host Disease that transplant patients suffer from. Mine seems to be particularly affecting my skin when my prednisolone dose is reduced. We dropped it to 10mg once a day and although this is a tiny reduction in dose, the skin on my legs flared up bright red and my skin got really flakey and disgusting. It was really debilitating - I felt I couldn't see anyone and that I just looked really ugly and gross. Now, however, after A LOT of steroid creams and Epaderm cream, and bio oil, etc. etc., my skin has finally recovered! We did have to up to the prednisolone to 15mg once a day again though too. But hopefully this week we can work on reducing the dose again!

I've also been receiving some counselling as I was struggling with feeling like a burden to my family and was struggling to deal with being housebound and the constant struggle I am having with my recovery, as I thought I would be able to progress and get stronger more quickly than I am. The neuropathy also knocked me back a lot and I was struggling with feeling like it was never going to improve and it could affect my future doing surgery. The counselling has really helped anyway, and I feel that everyone who goes through a transplant or has to deal with having cancer should receive it automatically. The therapists at the Marsden are especially brilliant though because they see the effects of cancer on patients every day whereas those who you would be referred to through your GP don't. This makes the treatment a lot more relevant and they are certainly helping with methods like CBT. As a result, I'm sleeping a lot better and feeling a lot better about the future and learning how to deal with the present rather than constantly worrying.

I'm now going to the hospital less often for appointments, which is nice, but I still have to see the transplant clinic, pain clinic, neuro oncology clinic and my psych appointments.  So, it's still pretty busy! Dad's been amazing and has taken a lot of time off to take me up there, which I immensely appreciate as being in the hospital as a family member can be extremely boring! 

At the beginning of December I was very lucky to be able to go with Kate, her gorgeous little boy Oscar, Hannah and Lottie to the Harry Potter studios to see Hogwarts in the snow! It was brilliant and me and Lot got our picture in the Weasley car and I may have spent a bit too much in the shop!

 

Simon Pegg also visited the TCT, as did Jack Whitehall, before Christmas! They were both extremely friendly and great to talk to, even if Jack did come across like a bit of an embarrassed school boy. I did get to have a chat with Simon though, and discovered his dog was currently being treated at the QMH (the small animal hospital at my uni) - small world! Here are some pics!
 

The family had a great Christmas though and it was lovely to just be at home with them on the day and then see mum's side of the family on Boxing day, which was really nice! I've also been able to see Grace, which was really refreshing as I do love a good catch up about vet stuff and how she's getting on in her job in Suffolk. I'm hoping to visit my aunt very soon too for a girly weekend of probably eating too much food and watching lots of trashy tv :).

I also received some amazing news that I got the BSAVA Congress Student Bursary that means I can attend the congress for free, as well as some exciting events there. It's in April and I can't wait to get my brain back into vet stuff again. The practicals look brilliant too! Just have to book up the train tickets and hotel now!

I thought I should also update you all on the fact that me and Phil aren't together any more, but we are still good friends and I will always care for him and be there should he need me. I just want to thank him for his continued support throughout the last year and I am ever so grateful for all he has done and all the sacrifices he has had to make. I also want to thank everyone else for their continued support with our relationship and I really do appreciate their help with everything.

Anyway, I will update again soon with hopefully more good news!

Much love to you all xxx