No One Ever Made a Difference By Being Like Everyone Else: Part 1

It has been three years, three gruelling, yet incredible years since my stem cell transplant. And this last year especially, has been full of opportunities and successes, but also of loss and grief. Like any life, there have been highs and lows, and I'm not going to pretend everything has always been rosey because it really hasn't. However, I have managed to get through my first year as a new graduate Veterinary Surgeon, which has not been without its own trials and tribulations, and come through the other side relatively unscathed (if you exclude the dog and cat bites...).

I pick up from where I left off in my last blog, with the British Transplant Games, which last year was in North Lanarkshire but this year, was in Birmingham. Last year I caught the bug for one of the most joyous and fun occasions. The British Transplant Games is a fantastic event, which I didn't know existed until 2-3 years ago. It is a celebration of all those who have had to have a transplant at some point in their life, in the form of one of the best sporting events, with the main aim being to have fun. It brings together a vast array of ages and abilities, all of whom have been through one of the toughest experiences anyone could have thrown at them. It really is extraordinary. Last year, I didn't really know what to expect so went for some fairly low-key options - ten pin bowling, 3km walk and indoor bowls (you know, the kind of the thing you don't see at the Olympics). The best fluke of all though was winning a gold medal in the ten pin bowling and a bronze in the 3km walk! This year I had done even less training, what with work, but still acheived a bronze in the 3km walk and another in the darts! Now I know what you're thinking...they really should have darts in the Olympics! Anyway, the most important thing was to raise awareness of the importance of organ and stem cell transplants, and celebrate the fact that we were all there, despite everything, living and breathing. What I didn't anticipate though was the awesome night out to Snobs on the last night of this year's games with Ellie, and some of team Anthony Nolan, that lead to THE worst hangover of my life so far. Definitely feeling the wrong side of 25...

British Transplant Games 2017, North Lanarkshire

British Transplant Games 2018, Birmingham

We'll quickly move on...! Last August also brought with it the start of my post-uni veterinary career, shortly followed by a day at Friends Fest! It was so hot but Lottie and I had a great time!

The One when the Two Sister's visiting Friends Fest!

September brought about the start of the New Graduate CPD Programme with work, which has been extremely good at providing us with up-to-date information on conditions and expanding our skill set. I have enjoyed this last year at work, however, it has been far from easy. Due to the two years out from uni, I have felt very much on the back foot and lost an awful lot of confidence in my skills, specifically in surgery. Having started a CBT course, I now understand this has mainly been due to a horrible amount of anxiety and depression, mainly due to everything that has happened over the last 3 years. It has taken a lot to build my confidence back up, but a combination of fantastic CPD courses, a spay clinic in Spain and brilliant mentoring has finally got me to the point where I don't want to be another statistic and drop out of the veterinary profession within the first year.

Spay Academy Spain

The veterinary profession as a whole is heading towards a huge crisis, which the rest of the country appears to be completely unaware of because (quoting my hairdresser) "loads of people want to be vets". Yes, loads of kids want to be a vet someday, loads of students go to university, but loads of students change thier minds or don't always finish the course. Hundreds of graduates then start the job with tons of optimism and hope for the future, however, the realisation that the pay for the number of working hours, and the amount of life and hobbies you have to give up to some extent, soon dawns on them. The work/life balance isn't great, your friends are on much better pay, having much nicer holidays, and not having to deal with the constant high expectations and daily moaning about cost from clients, because funnily enough they're happy to pay for their food shopping in Tesco but don't like having to pay for your 5+ years of knowledge, experience and passion that you've built up wanting to help their pets. What the general public doesn't realise is that the average new graduate salary hasn't changed in the last 8 years, but they're more than happy to grumble about the cost of insurance and charges with every visit. That's why the attrition rate of graduates is as high as almost 40% within the first 5 years.

Anyway, grumbling aside, I do really enjoy my day-to-day work, I am fortunate enough to have a fantastic team around me, supporting me, and have managed to build up my own lovely client base. But I do also really try to help the charities that have supported, and still support me as much as I can. This year myself and a group of friends did Tough Mudder Half in May to raise money for Teenage Cancer Trust. It was gruelling, one of the hotest days of the year, and considering two years previously I couldn't walk, it was amazing that we finished it and in total raised approximately £760. I have also been fortunate enough to speak at another Anthony Nolan fundraiser at The Ivy in London, and was invited to their lovely Christmas Carol concert.

Team Pigs Might Fly 2018

In terms of my health, I managed to turn a corner in January when I finished my ECP treatment and finally had my Hickman line taken out. I also had an appointment with the fertility clinic at Guy's Hospital to discuss my future options following all my chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment, something that I did have to push for referral for. Overall, it was very informative, so I am glad I now know where I stand in that respect, but it is one area that I feel is not discussed very openly and frankly prior to treatment. I have also been trying to work with The Royal Marsden and Anthony Nolan on a couple of projects to help support transplant patients with issues such as this and mental health. Anthony Nolan have now produced an app to help guide patients through the transplant journey, which I feel is a fantastic aid for parents, carers and patients alike.

To be continued...

Sometimes You Will Never Know The Value Of A Moment, Until It Becomes A Memory.

It has been a few months since my last post, and so many incredible things have happened. As I write this it hits me how much of a massive deal this post is, and how there were so many times I did not dare to imagine I would be here writing these words.

But first, let us return to the end of March... Due to my practical exam lingering not too far away, and knowing that the task of removing a horseshoe ALWAYS crops up, I thought it would be a good idea to get some practice in. I was able to receive some help from the uni's farrier with this, which was extremely beneficial since I had a huge mental block with the whole thing - the last time I practised this was back in January 2015, and when I first noticed I wasn't feeling too great before my diagnosis... Anyway, after I was made to remove 3, I felt somewhat more comfortable with the whole thing, safe in the knowledge that I didn't actually have to remove the shoe in 5 minutes in order to pass that station should it come up. Back in January I had also decided to apply for the Vets4Pets New Graduate Programme, and had successfully passed the paper sift and telephone interview. The next step was attending an assessment centre for the day, which was fortunately just down the road from Amy. It was so lovely to catch up with her and see her menagarie again! 

The following week I managed to get my research project in on time, and within the word limit - just! And just in time to spend a brilliant week with Grace, Alex and Tess at Grace's lovely equine practice over in Suffolk. I learnt a great deal about Strangles that's for sure, which happened to help a lot with my exams in the end too, and met a really tiny, very cute donkey!

It was also really nice to catch up with the newly engaged couple and hear all about their wedding plans. On the way back to Bucks, I stopped off in Kent for Lucy's birthday meal with all her lovely family and friends, and finished off the evening with a game of Settlers - as you do at the age of 25 it would seem! The last week of the month was spent practising for the OPSVE with Lottie's old bag of tricks that she had collected for her practical exam the previous year. After 3 hours of 5 minute stations, it was finally over. And there was nothing more I could do about it. I knew I'd fluffed a few things but it was in the hands of the gods now.

So in order to forget about it...April kicked off with a trip with Teenage Cancer Trust to the Royal Albert Hall to see The Pet Shop Boys! We spent the afternoon having a fantastic music workshop with the band that work there - I'd forgotten about my old passion for making music, but wow was the fire for it back again. The evening was amazing, we had an incredible dinner provided for us before we watched the gig and, during the interval, whilst being sent to go on stage (with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra!), we bumped into Dermot O'leary and Roger Daltrey - it was an experience I will never, ever forget. As a result, I was eager to get involved with the band that was forming at university for the Final Year Revue - a showcase the final year put on every year - and so the rehearsals began!

Of course, throughout all this fun stuff, I still had hospital appointments to go to, but it felt like they were finally getting fewer and further between. Although, I didn't seem to help myself by generally booking them all for the same week...

I was also able to complete my final two weeks of EMS at Glaven Vets, who were absolutely fantastic and definitely helped me to boost my confidence before finals! And before I knew it we had started our elective weeks - a week of CPD standard lectures on Feline Medicine, another in Clinical Nutrition and a final one in Soft Tissue Surgery - all of which were extremely interesting and involved brilliant practicals, especially the Soft Tissue Surgery week.

The beginning of May meant revision, revision, revision. However, I was also invited to an interview with one of the Companion Care practices in Kent. They were so lovely and welcoming so I felt really positive. I was also able to spend one Saturday working at the university's open day - a job that I love doing - and the amount of campus tours I did definitely helped up my step count for the week! 

Ellie and I also had Harry Potter Live to go to - a slightly drunken decision, which turned out to be a great one! The music was played live by the orchestra over the film of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - it was truly incredible to witness. This was quickly followed by a brilliant Eurovision party at Ellie's, which then lead to a night out in Brixton. I figured if I could survive one near death experience, I may be able to survive two - only kidding! It was a great evening!

Final Year Revue then arrived in no time at all, and fortunately the band had been rehearsing hard so we were ready for it! We all had a great couple of nights and the audience seemed to really enjoy it. I also somehow managed to have time to set up a small RVC Marrow Group, whose aim (with the help of Anthony Nolan) is to raise awareness of Anthony Nolan, help with fundraising efforts and host recruitment events. The team we had put together were fantastic, and after an initial awareness campaign, we held a recruitment event where we managed to successfully recruit 57 applicants to the donor register. An amazing amount for any Marrow Group, let alone as a result of the first recruitment event the group had hosted.

The FYR Band

RVC Marrow

By this time I was in full hermit mode. Revision had taken over, and Emily was the best revision buddy and semi-pro teacher anyone could ask for. However, in the last week of revision I was hit with an infection. I was running a pretty high temperature, despite taking paracetamol and oral antibiotics, so I had to be admitted to Barnet Hospital for IV antibiotics - I think my record that time round was 40.5 degrees C...so not great. My Auntie Sara, very kindly took me into hospital and kept an eye on me. After speaking to the amazing people at The Royal Marsden, and explaining that I was a week away from finals, and I had to get out of hospital as soon as physically possible, they were able to get me onto the 'Domestos' of antibiotics to help sort out any infection I may have (although everyone was convinced it was a virus). Emily and Sara both visited regularly, Emily to try and do some revision sessions with me, and Sara to make sure the crazy people I was on the ward with hadn't driven me mad yet. After 5 days I was able to spend the weekend at my Aunt's for TLC, R&R (rest and revision), with just outpatient appointments to go to for IV antibiotics. I can't thank Sara enough for her help that week - I think I would have had a melt down otherwise.

Then finals arrived, which were fairly hideous to say the least - I came out of the last exam in tears (essentially imagine the scene in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, when Hermione's crying in the toilets and then the troll arrives. Yep, that was me - only I was wishing a troll would appear...). Then cue an email offering free ice cream next to the SU and Pimms at £2 a pint - every cloud... The week that followed involved me trying to distract myself as much as possible before exam results appeared. So, I moved out of halls, took a trip to Kent to see the old kennel girls, and had a load of hospital appointments.

And then it was results day...and I managed to pass! 😮 Therefore, I was able to fully accept my job offer in Kent! (Sorry forgot to mention that bit) But the feeling was bittersweet, as there were always going to be people who hadn't been successful. Other colleagues who I'd either worked with on rotations, or for the Final Year Revue, or I'd socialised with. The last push at vet school isn't a competition, it is a team effort, and when other people don't succeed you can't help but feel like you've let them down...a feeling I'm still struggling with.

Since then I've been keeping myself busy. I visited the family in Norfolk for a long weekend over Father's Day and to celebrate passing my finals. It was nice to visit without doing EMS this time round, and was actually able to be a bit of tourist! My grandparents were visiting at the same time, so it was really lovely to have some family time.

Me and the grandparents in Norfolk

I then had Grad Ball, and enjoyed a lovely night at Hatfield House with friends, both old and new. Fortunately the weather held and despite our campus being turned into a building site, we had a brilliant time.

Grad Ball

Later that week, Boo, Sophie and I enjoyed an amazing night watching Adele at Wembley Stadium - it was absolutely incredible, but again, bittersweet as I know so many people who weren't able to see her in the end due to the cancellation of her weekend performances. She was absolutely fantastic though, and I really do hope she reschedules those other dates.

Sophie and me ready for Adele!

Finally, at the end of June, I was fortunate enough to have the pleasure of being the patient speaker at an Anthony Nolan Fundraising Breakfast at The Ivy. It was very nerve wracking, since my speech was going to be critical in hopefully helping to secure donations, and also because Olivia Coleman was there supporting the event. However, it seemed to go relatively well - I received some nice feedback at least, and a lovely bunch of flowers!

Tony Hurran (another SCT patient), Yaser (from Team Margot) & myself at The Ivy

July began with an inspirational and motivational conference run by the charity Teens Unite, called Discover You. It included some amazing talks from some incredible people - cancer patients, motivational speakers, and Jade Johnson, who told us about her journey to becoming an Olympic athlete and the resilience she has shown her entire life. It was an incredible, really well organised day.

Discover You Conference

The following day was my cousins' 21st and 16th joint birthday party! It was a great day - the weather was perfect, the food was delicious and the company was brilliant! After a rest day it was Wimbledon! I was so so lucky to have been offered two free ground passes for Emily and I by one of my Auntie Boo's very generous contacts, so we were guaranteed some live tennis! And the weather held for us, we had Pimms, strawberries and cream, lunch on Henman Hill, bought an overpriced towel, watched a Brit win a match and a Brit lose a match. I think we ticked every box! It was amazing!

Wimbledon

And then, before I knew it - it was Graduation Day! I was lucky enough to catch Emily just after her ceremony, which was fantastic. I am so incredibly proud of her, she is one of the most resilient, brave and intelligent ladies I know. She really is amazing. 

Graduation Day - 05/07/17

Then, despite my parents having travel problems, I managed to meet them and Auntie Boo just in time for mum to inhale some lunch before registration began. We managed to get the photos out of the way early on, so were ready for when we had to go into the hall for the ceremony. It was quite a stressful but awesome day. And while I'm on the topic - I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who sent me cards or gifts! You're all so lovely!

Graduation Ceremony - Central Hall Westminster

Dad very kindly finished the day off by booking the Savoy Grill for dinner, which was absolutely incredible. Honestly, one of the best meals I have ever had. Thank you so so much, Dad! 

Dinner at The Savoy

Finally, I finished off last week with BST Hyde Park to see Tears for Fears, Elbow and The Killers - who I've wanted to see for over a decade! Showing my age here... - with Lucy, Alex, Ellie, Alice and Woody. It was an amazing afternoon and evening of awesome music. I think I have the bug for live music again, well more of an addiction really, but it's probably one of the better addictions to have!

The plan for the next few weeks is to have some proper R&R, start my move back down to Kent, and try and get prepared for the world of work. I also have the British Transplant Games to get through. I can't say I'm not terrified, but I do like a challenge! Wish me luck!

Much love to you all xxx

If Only They Could Talk.

It's been A LOT longer than I would have liked since writing my last blog. And as ever, it's not because I've been having a quiet life. My days have been primarily full of hospital appointments, dental appointments, optician appointments and occupational health appointments, appointments about my research project, hair appointments and appointments I haven't been able to attend due to my health, again.

September started nicely with a great birthday, which was mainly because I had the first of my baby vaccinations again! A mile stone in the path towards getting back to university. The girls from home and I all celebrated the weekend before with a meal and seeing Bridget's Baby. Lucy and I also went to see Later with Jools Holland being filmed, which was incredible! We saw Sting, Jack White and Kings of Leon, to name-drop but a few!

However, October didn't want to continue the string of good luck I had been having. It started off with a septic elbow the week I was aiming to move in with my aunt and get all my research project conquered. Instead I found myself once more in A&E, this time being moved from Maidstone Hospital to Pembury. It began with excruciating pain overnight and then during the course of the journey to hospital my temperature went up by over a degree (which isn't good). Once at Pembury it then took them 3 days to operate, even after tapping it as soon as I arrived and seeing I needed surgery ASAP. That's another procedure that I feel for animals over even more now - although for septic joints they tend to get surgery within 24hours. It was absolute agony, and I think the rest of the ward discovered that too. I was once again admitted for nearly a week, meaning I missed the second CLIC Sargent award ceremony I had been invited to. Although, this year I have the pleasure in helping with the organisation of the next, hoping it will be bigger and better than ever before. So, if there are any celebrities out there who would like to make a guest appearance, we, and all the invited teenager and young people, I'm sure, would adore it.

The end of October picked up with Dad's retirement and Lottie's graduation from student vet nurse to Registered Vet Nurse. I am so incredibly proud of both of them. I was also given the great news that I could move to monthly ECP treatments, which only helps things, what with uni from January. Also, since I was unable to see Ellie on her birthday due to said septic elbow, she very kindly took me with her to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time play, which was outstanding! We also went to a Ceilidh (after a small incident of me nearly bleeding everywhere after my stitches were taken out of my elbow - turns out they give more heparin in my ECP treatments than I realised, and please note that no, I did not dance as a result). Lucy joined us for it, along with a lot of Ellie's other friends, and for her Halloween party. A great time was had by all! I am already looking forward to this year's!

The theme was "dead famous people from the last decade"

November started as well as October finished, with me finally moving in with my aunt, Boo, and a weekend at Grace's for fireworks. I had a brilliant time, and a lovely catch up. Really can't wait to see them again soon! Lucy, Ellie and I also had our very yummy afternoon tea at the Secret Garden the weekend after. It was a belated birthday present from Lucy for us both, but one we were both more than happy to wait for! The weekend after brought the London Vet Show, which was great for trying to get my head back into things before uni, and a screening of Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them at the Harry Potter Studios with Lucy. Yes, I have visited there again...And again, it was brilliant!

Bonfire night

Afternoon tea at The Secret Garden

I then had a mock OSPVE (It means Objective Structured Practical Veterinary Examination - yes, I had to Google it too), which made me realise that maybe I can remember some bits and pieces from uni. Having said that I wasn't allowed to do any barn stations, so I can't say I was truly in my 'uncomfortable zone'.

However, in December things started to slip again. A lung function test revealed that although my lung volume is normal, they are functioning at around 50% of what they should be. Probably mainly due to a couple of bouts of pneumonia and the time in a coma on a ventilator - but that's a minor point. It's basically scar tissue on a minute scale in my alveolar that is causing the problems that I have. My eyes were also a constant struggle, making staring at a screen for any length of time extremely difficult. Hence, why my research project still hasn't been handed in yet, and why my blog has taken several months to make an appearance. My intrathecal chemotherapy also didn't help that at all before Christmas. I spent a week lying on the sofa, my head pounding and unable to focus on the TV...let alone a job application or my project.

After multiple problems at the doctors, I was finally able to get the remaining vaccinations I needed to get back to uni, and luckily I was cleared to go back to uni on a half-day phased return protocol by the return to work coordinator. I have also had to see a couple of podiatrists to get me back on my feet for uni too! Although, just as I thought it was going swimmingly, I got shingles, right as I was supposed to start back. Now, even healthy people feel awful with shingles and I felt pretty rotten. I dragged myself through my half days in Internal Medicine, only to collapse on my bed as soon as I got back to my room to snooze. I tried pushing myself to do more than my half day though, which I did manage a couple of times, but due to yet more appointments I only got 4 half-ish days in the department, not the 10 I was expecting and hoping for. 

I did, however, due to my exhausted state, manage to rearrange my remaining EMS (work placements vet students have to complete before graduation) weeks with an amazingly supportive practice just down the road from my parents in Norfolk. They made me feel so welcome, and really understood that I was still having to ease myself back into it all. By the end of the two weeks I was even surprising myself doing much more surgery than I thought myself capable of. It's very strange knowing that I could do something well before yet my muscles having to relearn it because my hands feel so different now, and my strength is so far from what it was. But my confidence is growing with every day I'm back in my natural environment.

Since then I've completed both of my last rotations - cardio and critical care - both of which I found my personal experiences being a great advantage to remembering certain topics we encountered - such as, mitral valve regurgitation, nasogastric tubes, and the effects of midazolam. Between rotations I had a few appointments, one with a new pain clinic consultant, who did look at me like I was clinically insane for wanting to continue in fulfilling my dream of graduating, but give him his due, I'm weaning off the oxycodone and coping with my peripheral neuropathy so much better already.

So, all in all, 3rd March 2017 was a pretty good day - a) Ed Sheeran's album was released; b) my inpatient in ICU was still alive and doing well (yes, these small things are a massive deal); c) it was my last day of rotations/in the QMHA.

MASSIVE MILE STONE REACHED.

Standard 'last day in the QMHA' pic

This week I have enjoyed a couple of lie ins until ooo about 8.30am - rebel. Have got nearly all of my research project done. Just 57 words stand between me and its submission now. I've also been making sure I practise as many of my practical skills each day as my hands can possibly cope with. My real OSPVE is in 3 weeks - oh yay.  I did also find some time to have a very lovely, chilled lunch with Steph, from my rotations family, who I hadn't seen for nearly two years - so so good to catch up, though I fear we could have sat and chatted all day!

So, what's the plan now? Well I've officially given up with those. But the next stage is to successfully complete a week of EMS with Grace at her very kind practice who have agreed to let me see practice with them. Then it's my OSPVE... And a couple more weeks with the lovely Norfolk practice I went to; my three elective weeks; a tonne of revision; and then, FINALS. In less than 13 weeks... In between, I have a couple of ECP sessions, an intrathecal and a number of other appointments. But one day at a time!

I'd really appreciate it though if all you lovely people would please keep your fingers crossed for no major disasters in the mean time...as I may need all the luck I can hope for to get through the next 3 and a bit months...thank youuuu!

Much love to you all xxx

Don’t go into Mr. McGregor’s garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.

It has been a while since I have blogged, and again, it has been for good reason. I have been phenomenally busy and it is only that I have found myself with a few unforeseen spare hours that I am writing this. I have been laying in bed for the last hour thinking about vulnerability. Especially how over the last couple of years it has not been the physical vulnerability of my body that has nearly failed me but the mental and emotional vulnerability I allowed myself to fall victim to. Physically, my body has nearly been destroyed by its own vulnerability to cancer, chemo, being immunosuppressed, infections, radiationtherapy and stress and GVHD, to name but a few. But I never once thought I would not be strong enough to get through all that. Yes, it has broken me physically in other ways, but these feel like mere cracks under the surface now. I always had my faith in my religion - science - and that is what got me through the storm. It was when the dust settled though, and I finally realised that I was never going to return to my 'normal' life that I seemed to start falling apart. I had allowed myself to hope for a future, to dream of what I believed was an 'ideal', and to stop being my true self in order to please other people. All because I believed that trying to make other people happy would make me happy. If my 16 year old self had seen what I'd become, she would have given me a slap round the face. What had happened to my fiesty, fearless, independent self who had built her defences up to the heavens to protect herself from emotional pain? I liked that girl a little bit, I may not have been liked much, but I wasn't vulnerable, or I didn't think I was. I mistrusted everyone because of it, but looking back, I wasn't particularly happy though. It took a very long time for me to let anyone try and break down my defences. And just as Rome wasn't built in a day, the barriers I had built around myself had taken a long time to be put in place, so I was only going to let them down brick-by-brick. And eventually I found myself emotionally vulnerable to everything, yet felt protected by someone with whom I had entrusted my soul - my hopes and dreams, past and future, fears, flaws and failures. And I was happy, truly happy. I found a nice quote to sum this up:

"I have so much respect for the emotionally brave. The ones who put in the emotional work and take the real risks of being vulnerable and removing masks. It's easy to make chitchat, but it's hard to speak about what's really under the surface. It's easy to joke, but difficult to cry. It's easy to numb, but hard to feel. Ironically the real victims of emotional laziness are the people themselves. They end up choosing thier emotional comfort zones over happiness. So in the end, they may not be 'uncomfortable' anymore; but they are also miserable." - Yasmin Mogahed

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. Every day is a school day, and you learn from every experience. That is how we evolve. I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I got hurt, and I have been breaking my back rebuilding my emotional defences. I haven't allowed myself to build them back up to the heavens again though (not yet anyway), and I certainly don't trust anyone at the moment. But I know that at some point in the future I hopefully will again. Otherwise, I know that I will spend many years miserable, and waste this perfectly good life that I have been blessed with. (I can fully understand why 'crazy cat women' exist now though.) So, hopefully without sounding like I'm preaching, my advice, should you find yourself in a similar situation, is to surround yourself with a great support team. I know I have my own, and I try my best to make sure they know how appreciated they are, as I know that should I fall off my barricade they will be there to catch me. It is because of my experiences that I feel so strongly about the need for cancer patients to automatically receive counselling, since although you may not feel you need it at the time, it is there to return to for guidance should you require it. What with the whirlwind of treatment, hospital appointments, and just trying to stay alive, it is very easy to ignore your mental health. It is not intentional, it is part of the process of dealing with a great shock. But regaining not only your physical strength but also your mental health is absolutely essential and helps you to accept and adapt to your 'new normal'.

Which leads me on to my new main aim in life: to be 'authentic'. I found another nice quote for this:

"What it means to be authentic:

- to be more concerned with truth than opinions

- to be sincere and not pretend

- to be free from hypocrisy: "walk your talk"

- to know who you are and to be that person

- to not fear others seeing your vulnerabilities

- being confident to walk away from situations where you can't be yourself

- being awake to your own feelings

- being free from others' opinions of you

- accepting and loving yourself." - Sue Fitzmaurice

You'll be glad to read that that is my philosophical meditation over. To elaborate on how busy I've been, the last few months have been very hectic but not with any infections that have resulted in hospital stays for a change! I've been lucky enough to see Harry Potter & the Cursed Child, which is THE best play I have ever seen. The staging and performances were absolutely magical and I highly recommend going to see it if you can get hold of some tickets. I've also been to the Lake District with my amazing Auntie Boo. We had a fantastic time, staying a few nights at a lovely spa hotel, seeing lots of Beatrix Potter related places, and then on to see my extended family in Penrith. It was really relaxing, and so nice to see the Curry and Bodger families on a much happier note this time. I also never realised how incredible Beatrix Potter was - she really was a woman far ahead of her time in terms of her thoughts on feminism and looking after the environment.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

Me and Auntie Boo at the hotel bar

My lovely extended family

As ever, I have also been filling my social calendar with dinners and trips to the cinema, etc. with all of my favourite people. Recent mile stones also include:

- my first two hair cuts since losing it all;

- being able to drive again;

- recovering from my first cold all by myself;

- my dermatology consultant confirming that my ECP treatment is working (so I'm continuing that still every two weeks until November at least);

- my research project first draft being completed and a deadline confirmed;

- my uni accommodation application being accepted for next year;

- Rosie's first proper clip;

- my 1st rebirthday!

Rosie after her first clip

The family also had a really nice week in Wales, despite mum being miserable because it rained for the first couple of days. We went on some lovely walks with Flo around the reservoir and nature reserves that were nearby. Dad and Lot went on a pony trek around the Brecons, which was apparently fantastic, although Dad became 'unseated' (he fell off) and crushed his finger - he's still in pain... - though that didn't stop him going fishing later in the week. Lot and I also went on a slightly chilly boat trip in an attempt to see dolphins, needless to say, we didn't see any. On the same day we had a minor problem with my car, but a lovely man at a local garage sorted it out for us for free! I may be biased, since Welsh blood runs through my veins now, but I found all the Welsh people we met very friendly and helpful. Things are so much cheaper there too! Lot and I also took Flo with us to a nearby tin works and waterfall, which, despite the rain, was very impressive and beautiful. Naturally, we also filled the holiday with good local food, and I was able to catch up with Amy on the drive back to my grandparents! The family also had a lovely weeked celebrating my mum's birthday. However, I'm starting to wonder if my donor has an allergy to something in Thai food... It is possible to 'inherit' allergies from your donor, and so far I have definitely developed hay fever at least!

Me, mum, Lot and Flo in Wales - Dad went fishing!

Finally, I just want to say how incredibly proud of my sister I am, as she has passed her Veterinary Nursing qualification, so she is now an official Registered Veterinary Nurse. Considering how much work she has had to put in whilst also working at a practice, and having a very demanding sister over the last couple of years, she has done amazingly well, and has certainly earned her badge and green uniform!

I have a very exciting couple of months coming up, so I look forward to updating you all soon. Now that I am driving again, I am also looking forward to being able to descend upon all my lovely friends who are scattered around the country now!

Thank you for reading, and much love to you all xxx

It Isn't The Mountains Ahead To Climb That Wear You Out; It's The Pebble In Your Shoe.

I don't know if many people have noticed, but all of my blog titles mean something to me. Initially, I began using tag lines from films that I felt related to what was happening to me at the time, and now I've moved on to quotes. This one is from the great Muhammad Ali, which I feel encompasses the struggles everyone has in life, especially through the last month maybe, what with all the politics (which I am not going to mention any further). Everyone has their problems and issues that they are tackling and many are brilliant at hiding them, especially to protect loved ones, and try and keep those issues in a 'box'. But at times things just can't help but get on top of you. And you can't help but let those feelings take hold. They stick at the forefront of your mind and distract you from everything that isn't routine in your life. It's difficult. They overwhelm you and cause you to lose motivation. This is how I've felt  a lot lately. My main motivation over the last few years has disappeared and now I'm struggling to find a new one. Obviously, getting back to uni is my main motivation but a massive hole has been left in my life, and I'm still trying to adjust. I know what I need to recover physically and mentally, but emotionally I'm still a bit of a wreck. Slowly I'm piecing the bits back together but I think chemo brain is affecting my ability to do that too. As a result of all this I enjoy looking through motivational quotes and rely on social media support that suggest some brilliant bloggers, which are a fantastic read. It's reassuring to know that there are other people out there who know what you're going through, and it gives you strength. I think one of the biggest problems everyone has is finding that strength. It comes from friends and family, and sometimes strangers. And they may never realise it. But also these same people can just as easily break down the strength you have spent so much time building up. And, again, they may never realise it, or mean to. This yo-yo-ing is quite simply exhausting, but you must keep focusing on that mountain ahead.

On a different note, I simply don't know where the time is going. This month has flown by yet again in a flurry of hospital appointments and puppy-sitting. We have a new addition to the family, which many of you already know. Meet Rosie, our seriously cute Mini Schnauzer puppy.

Rosie Selfie

She's adorable and very well behaved - when she wants to be! Like any puppy! She appears to be enjoying puppy training classes and loves to play with the other dogs. Flo's getting on well with her too - thank goodness!

Unfortunately, I was in hospital again (thanks to an infected Hickman) when Rosie got picked up, but after a week of IV antibiotics I was out. In between ECP treatments at Guy's, I seemed to enjoy stints in Maidstone hospital. The following visit, I was in a few days with viral gastroenteritis, and the last time I spiked a temperature, and spent another week in a side room. They didn't find the source of the temperature spike but I am now helpfully allergic to Penicillin too. Yay - another one to add to the list. More pebbles in my shoes... I missed spending time with my Auntie Boo too, but she was lovely and came to visit me instead.

This last week I've had another intrathecal chemo injection, which so far hasn't caused any problems. (Keeping my fingers crossed!) My hair is also growing back with avengence - it can't decide if it's going to be curly, wavy or straight, so I am currently attacking it with a new hair product I have found - a souffle! The dry scalp problem has also improved since using Eucerin shampoo and scalp treatment, which I highly recommend. My nails are also driving me mad - splitting and breaking just by looking at them! I'm trying the NuNail strengthening cream, which so far appears to be helping - I'll keep you updated. 

On a much more happy note though I stayed over at Lottie's new pad and we had a lovely meal out with Kate, Hannah and Lauren at the new Italian in Ashford. It was brilliant to get out and feel the most normal I have in ages! I definitely ate far too much too... Long may it continue though, as I have a week in the Lake District with Boo to look forward to! And, the new Harry Potter play! Can't wait! Fingers crossed for no more pebbles!

In the mean time, I hope you all thoroughly enjoy the short sunny spells we appear to be having and manage to avoid the downpours. And, remember to keep your eyes on the mountain ahead.

Much love to you all xxx